What kind of ‘Worshipper’ are you?

I have been involved in a mini church crawl – attended several churches over the past few weeks with the aim of finding someplace to settle. In the process, I found that people in church  largely fit into one of the following classes.

  1. The irresponsible bloke: This bloke dey feel like gangsta for church. Jeans wearing, ear ring totting, chewing gum splitting type, he is often singled out for the sinner’s prayer/ deliverance.
  2. The scammer: O boy dey scan all the fine babes for the church. Instead of worshipping the Lord, bros is watching the screens -and depending on his confidence levels he might try to catch a wink occasionally. If it is a church where peeps are asked to move around and shake hands or welcome each other, free pass for bros o. He will shake and hug all the fine sisters.
  3. The Spiri bros/ sis: These types are the real members of the church. They have come to worship God, but sometimes they can over do it too o. Like skabashing very loudly, singing off key, or like one bloke in my non-Nigerian church, sway as though a strong east wind is blowing only him. These types usually gravitate to the prayer group, evangelism, sometimes Sunday school and the money counters – not very visible positions.
  4. The fine boy usher/ fine girl protocol member: These are the types that cause the most trouble in church. Dem can pose! Bro is usually decked out in a powerful perfume, correct suit and tire, and the phonetics! Chei, wahala! They don’t sit still in church o, always prancing around, so people can see them. I suspect that at least 65% of church members know them by name!
  5. The choir chic: The typical choir chic can foine! This type is usually decked out gloriously every Sunday, and when there is a need to print a handbill, oh yes, na dem dey dey the front o. Normal songs for worship, become opportunities to showcase their Carrie Underwood-esque voices.
  6. The groove man/ groove chic: These types are your semi-reformed bubblers. Dem don groove so tey, as soon as the songs start to play, especially in Naija churches, they break out into the latest adaptation of a P-square, Wande Coal or  Makossa dance steps (You get the drift). Needless to say, they usually sleep through the sermon as they have over spent their energy.
  7. The would-be intellectual: This types – usually blokes – think they have heard it all. From Aristotle to Socrates, from Blaise Pascal to CS Lewis they have heard all the finer arguments for and against the existence of God. They usually appear in church once in a while, sit at the back and look condenscendingly at the delusion of others around them.
  8. The Gizmo Kid: These types are usually blokes again, but I have seen quite a few female versions. Bible on the iPhone or iPod, ear phones plugged in until church starts, dem can pose!

47 thoughts on “What kind of ‘Worshipper’ are you?

  1. LMAO! I agree with UnderCover 07, that was what was going through my head while I was reading it. Were these churches in London or outside London? anywayz, this is the first time I'm one of the first few commenting on your blog, I feel i've acheived something today oh! LOL. Been a while sha. haven't been able to put up comments here for a while cos for some reason I always read your blog on my phone in sch and the thingy wont let me put up comments. started law sch, lpc, and seriously, nothing in my life has ever prepared me for this kind of stress, LOL. I really dont have a life anymore. Counting down already to June 2010. LOL. Anyway, glad I've finally been able to stop by. Tk cr & have a gr8 weekend!


  2. i wanted to scold you for looking around when the holy ghost was trying to get your attention. i guess you would term me one of the spiro that east wind blows but i don't fall all the time, i could even cry for no damn reason.

    you are very funny sha

    my advice: settle in one of the churches and get committed and the east wind just might blow you one day.



  3. LMAO!!!

    I don't belong in any of the groups. MOF, I like to blend in in church. I however 'sees' all dis peeps. Infact my church is notorious for all of the above. I used to go for entertainment before, bhet tain God for my life. Somborry shout halllelllluuuuuuuuuuu…lol


  4. @Undercover07 – LOL… perhaps such people are called connoisseurs of life?
    @BBG – Yay for you.. Meehn, you get power ni, No school for me in the next three years minimum.. Emailed you.. Thanks fro stopping by..
    @ttlolla – for real? Cool then..
    @harry – LOL… sounds like my impression of you….
    @countessa – LOL.. the off key singing always riles me….. howz your post MSc life going?
    @jhazmyn— LOL… 7 or 8? maybe…..Hmmm…
    @Ms.O – lol.. 3 and 6? Thinking about it now, I can see where number 3 and number 6 intersect!
    @tisha – ahn ahn… good for you then.. we are trying to bridge the gap and sneak back into the number 3 mode…good advice.. will keep that in mind.
    @NoLimit – hmmm….. hit close home ehn? Lol… I have immense powers of observation – at least that’s my story!
    @Myne White – LOL. @ ‘tell me when I tell you mine…. Well I have been everyone at different stages – except #1 (don’t have piercings/ don’t chew gum), #2, #4 and #6 (too reserved to ever be the all bubbly bloke inn church), so???
    @Nerfetiti – LOL.. Hallelu… the Lord done great ‘tins’. I think I’m largely blended in these days, though sometimes I hear I can appear like a laid back #1, #7 or #8


  5. lol lol lol! so which one is me…i dont kabash but i work in sunday school cos i adore kids and i try to go every week and dont get involved in anything else in church? ehn?


  6. I love me some fine usher. i watch those in church. seriously!!!. in my church i have my fine usher girl and my fine usher. i even invite people to church to come and watch them (weird, i know, like, "would you follow me to church today and see my fine usher") but they are entertaining… for you to capture my fine usher means you captured them all.


  7. LOL…oh my! I see myself in 2 groups there and seeing it from ur point of view, it is not funny 🙂 LOL @ "Bro is usually decked out in a powerful perfume, correct suit and tire, and the phonetics" but which kind of "worshipper" are you?


  8. I pray that you'll find a WORD-based church. Church can be fun, but when there are no real teachings of the bible the people perish. When you come out filling emptier than you came in, then you have a problem.


  9. @trybes — LOL.. Thansks man..
    @Controversy — LOL.. Used to be #7 bloke meself, i think I'm more #8 now though.
    @dante — i could have guessed that.. lol
    @funkola — lol.. perhaps you are a hybrid of #3 and #5, except that instead of singing you shepherd the kids?
    @HYAW — LOL.. perhaps that is a useful 'evangelism' tool then, fine boy ushers…


  10. @ebony — hmm.. true o.. at least dem dey hear word of God for church
    @Tigeress – Not all fromm one church, it's a list that has grown over the past three-ish years
    @Myne Whitman — LOL.. Not a bad place to be then.. Cool..
    @Anoda Phase — LOL… I'm just an unusually observant bloke I would say. Hmmm… which one are you o.. sounds like a #3 at least to me though
    @Rita — LOL… My views are largely tongue-in-cheek o… I suspect you are a #3 at least.. possibly more…..


  11. @Miss Kikky — I think I used to be a #3 long ago… then i was a #7 and now a #8… I suspect these types are in every church o…
    @Lara — Hmmm.. perhaps these are universal types?
    @Temite — LOL.. I'm sure you do.. they are everywhere..
    @Bunmmy — LOL.. Not quite. settled in yet though, but I a tending towards my old church anyways…
    @Jaycee — Hmm.. true words… Tending towards my old church anyways..


  12. @Afronuts — LOL.. I dey hear the sermon o.. Plus i usually get to download the podcasts too… So I don't miss too much…
    @Seun — LOL… The scanner group… That one make sense o…


  13. I identify as would be intellectual-scammer.
    You forget category number 9.

    The faithful hypochondriac: Ever willing to submit him/her(self) to save face for the pastor when the pastor goes like "There is someone here who has been having headaches. You've been praying about it and nothing has happened" and yet no one stands up.


  14. @sweetnothin' lol — #1 u are then..
    @sunnyside — lol.. i think over the years I have settled into the #7 and #8 roles
    @bsnc — LOL.. Wetin I for do o?
    @Enoch — Hmmm.. that type is not immediately obvious i would think…. good spot anyways..


  15. lol…i haven't met the 'Gizmo Kids' but I definitely know a fine sis protocol member, a spiri bros, and some other groove chics! very well observed, RustGeek!


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